Quarantine

I’m driving through the streets of Los Angeles. I was visiting my boyfriend, Buddy, at work. It’s 6:30 in the morning and the clouds are hanging low, heaving with rain and clinging softly to the buildings. There’s hardly any other cars on the road, a rare site for the city. There's tension in the air, as if we are all holding our breath as we wait for things to worsen. The President declared the country was in a state of emergency yesterday. Today, all of the neon ‘don’t text and drive’ and ‘don’t drive drunk’ signs that usually haunt the highway have been replaced. Now they read “COVID-19 is here, avoid large gatherings.” The signs will stick with me all 72 miles home.

First my school shut down. Then, Buddy and I canceled our plans to drive out to Sedona. Then my climbing gym closed. Then my work switched to delivery only. Then I left his house midway through the week only to hear later that day Orange County, California was going into a lockdown. Then I panic purchased a Nintendo Switch which I immediately regretted and canceled within the hour.

I proceeded to eat a bunch of candy on my bedroom floor. I scrolled through my phone looking for a laugh to ease the anxiety building in me. I gardened with my mother for 20 minutes. I took my sister to Staples to pick up ink cartridges for the printer so she could put a picture of Roderick from “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” on her door. I took a hot shower. I made a giant bowl of popcorn and continued scrolling through the media while my parents watched the news, which only spoke of coronavirus.

I have not been handling quarantine well.

Already I was struggling with being home. After switching from a university to a community college, I moved back in with my parents. I have been working on figuring out who I am and how I fit into this new environment for several months now, and that’s been difficult enough. Now due to the added stress of coronavirus, it feels ridiculous to try and plan where I should go next when we’re not sure how long this crisis will be occurring. I have no idea where to go from here, to be blunt.

At the restaurant where I work I find I’m holding my breath. All I can think of is my potential exposure to the virus. The more I think of COVID-19 the more erratic I become and my throat seems to tighten on impulse. Kind of like how when you think about headlice enough your head will begin to itch. We sanitize everything multiple times a day. We wash our hands till they become dry from the soap. I have since become unemployed and contracted a mild sinus infection, which was terrifying.

The first time I witnessed the empty shelves I was at a Stater Brothers with my mother to pick up chocolate chips. I laughed, because I couldn’t think of any other response. Anything to quell the mild amount of fear I felt at the site.

The roads are slowly growing more and more empty. The neon signs on the highway seem to change their message everyday, going from social distancing to washing your hands to avoiding gatherings. I see more families out on their bikes and taking walks than in the past. Maybe some of this is good.

I often talk to my father about some of the good that could come from this. How the virus has held a blacklight over the failures of the American system but also how terrifying it is that our reaction still remains slow. How I wonder with so many workhorses home who only know the gruel of the job, how they feel, now that they have time for themselves. How I wonder if more art can be made and more love spread in a time where we have to come together. How a virus that can affect anyone has had far more of an affect on us than any other previous crises we’ve tried to call attention to such as climate change or basic human rights.

There’s a difficult line to walk, between precaution and panic in this strange situation we have found ourselves in. Some days I wake up fine. I go on Zoom to meet for my classes. I slowly chip away at my other assignments in between eating and procrastinating and bothering my family to avoid working. Sometimes I lay down head first on the floor at the feet of my dad and he gives me a funny look. Other times I shout for my mom for no reason. She’ll tell me I need involvement and offer me spring cleaning chores. I work on my journalism assignments, a difficult task given we are no longer allowed out unless it is necessary. I try to remember the yoga moves I learned at my climbing gym in the backyard while my skin receives a sunburn. I walk down to the beach to read and watch the storm clouds.

But some days, admittedly, are not fine. After a difficult conversation with my parents at the dinner table I found myself sobbing and tugging at my hair. “These are unprecedented times,” was the phrase they continued to feed me. I couldn’t breathe or calm myself down. I went and sat in my room while the wind angrily blew through the crack in my window. Evenings have been tense in our home.

I wish I could send out some reassurance, some sign that we will come out on the other side of this horrific event that has been plaguing us all. Truth is, no one knows, and that’s absolutely terrifying. The best we can do is continue to remain as calm as possible. Now’s not the time to act with entitlement. Now’s the time to show extra kindness, share your resources if you can spare it, and remember to take it day by day. The long view is overwhelming. Write your schedule out week by week. Pick up passions you’ve since placed aside or wanted to try. Watch those shows you never had time to finish. Deep clean your home. Call your friends or write them detailed letters of your intense boredom/panic. Document photos from a distance.

Stay strong, stay sane.

Special thanks to those who contributed photos of what they’ve been up to in quarantine:

Emma Norby, Buddy Santillan, Chris Norby, Beth Norby, Aly Bergh, Bubbly Surf Session Ladies and Michelle Rousset

Playlists I have on Spotify worth checking out:

Yoga: Deep Subconcious https://open.spotify.com/playlist/53v5VTTlvGDfZzhX6RWZVt?si=Hi_yMZyjRAW506_ZwEgxmg

For Vibing: Fucking Funky Vibes for Vibing

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7Ghf16IP8zhlrJAAPyUnIR?si=S00MS3H_Q_iP1PoD_9Cvig

Soft: Climbing Gym Commute ~ Soft

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/75Mdblo8B7v7UiBSIPN2NE?si=ud6Uc7uyT8KMfntitRENTA

Only Panic! At the Disco and Queen: Panicking Queen

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7C21BMrAXyWbBbxbHI7dwT?si=c2iPBFYNQOqkrlCPxBX9lw

For Cooking, Name Says it All: No Bitching in My Fucking Kitchen